Hit and Run Dads and Other Scurrilous Dogs

You know, much of Philippine culture differs from Western norms.  I can deal with it fine. I may crab or write blogs, after all, I have to write about something. But I deal with it because it is my choice to be here. Smoke, rudeness,  slanderous neighbors, killer chickens, tuba drunks, cheating, religious hypocrisy, pollution, loud karaoke. Trading favors. I did that to get my house built and permitted. Hey, it's your land, it's my land.

So, too, are the great exchange rate, the gorgeous scenery, the friendly and warm people, the active and exotic Spanish-Asia lifestyle, and the OPPORTUNITIES that abound.

But one of the cultural "nuances" I just can't stand is "hit and run dads."

These are the macho guys who get a girl pregnant and then deny it or flee, abandoning the mother and the child. Or married men who shack up with an mistress and beat the wife if she complains.

Yes, yes, the girl is at fault too, never having been taught that sexual heat is different than everlasting love. And having no way, no "tools", to succumb to the heat without getting pregnant.

The Catholic Church has these high-minded ideals that are simply humanly impractical. I'd say perverted, but that may be too strong. The idea that priests and nuns can live a lifetime without acting on sexual urges. The idea that contraceptives will encourage prostitution and abortion, as if what goes on now is virtuous, the babies conceived in dark alleys that priests deny, the dangerous abortions that take place in hidden places that priests deny. The miserably poor lives that people live, that priests deny responsibility for.

But back to the point. It is this peculiar idea of macho that drives me angry, that being sexual is something to brag about, that having a kid and getting away with it free of obligation, is something to be proud of. That being cruel is a virtue.

CAUSE

NBA basketball star Dennis Rodman's father lives in the Philippines. Dad Rodman is an American who moved to the Philippines where he found the fields ripe for the kind of picking he likes to do. He has taken on the name "Philander" as if his behavior is just a joke, haha. The father brags that he has sired 29 children with 16 different women. Dennis was just one of them who did well in America playing with a big rubber ball. Emotionally and personality-wise, Dennis is a tad, ummm, unusual. Let's just say he puts the eek in freak. I liked watching him play.

Dad Rodman is a caricature of the real Philippines, a larger-than-life being who exudes macho and lives a lifestyle that holds women and kids up as throwaway beings. He is an extreme form of malignancy who found the perfect playground in the Philippines. A place where people in need look for ways out.

I have often wondered why Filipino men don't get more upset at the old white guys who come to their country and make off with a lot of the beautiful young women. I understand pretty well  the perspective of both the old white guys and the beautiful young women because I am the former and married the latter.

The "playing field" that Dad Rodman romps in is the same one that attracts the ancient whities to the Philippines. Filipina women of little financial means look around and see nothing but desert on the home front. The men of their class are native philanderers, adhering to standards of macho behavior that are a major put-down to a woman of who holds herself in reasonable respect.

Then a white guy comes up and politely holds the door open. And behind the door is a life. One with real food on the table and even plates and silverware, and a home to put them in. Possibly a family, small and manageable. A housekeeper to take care of the drudge. Malls and trips and, yes, the power to say to family members, yes, you can have P500, or no you can't. A life.

If Filipino men were to complain, which they do not, I suspect women would respond back, rather sharply, "then give us a decent choice, not one where we are second class to your chickens and tuba and overbearing need to strut your manhood all around the neighborhood".

EFFECT

As in all things Filipino, the solution comes from looking inward, not outward. It is a skill set largely gone missing.

But back to the point.

I don't like that the Philippine laws and court system give women little way to hold a man to account for the responsibilities that are his. Rather, the laws hold married women in bondage to abusive macho men who beat them and brag to their buddies, or proudly tout to their friends the mistress or two tucked away around the corner. In the courts, the women are treated as criminals for wanting annulment. Grilled as if it were THEY who had committed a crime of wanting out of a dysfunctional marriage.

"Hit and run dads."

Is that manly in your value book?

It's not in mine.

• Manly to me is accepting responsibility for one's decision.

• And it is going back before that decision to THINK about outcomes, and risks, and what might happen.

So this is one of those cases where I think Philippine culture is shitty.

It's your culture, not mine, and it is shitty. I refuse to buy into THIS one.

You want ME to tell you what to do about it?

No, no. This is your deal entirely. You either accept it or do something about it. Or do nothing, which is the same as accepting it.

So to all those hundreds of thousands of piss-ant, dead-beat, flee-in-the-night Filipino guys I say:

•  "You are not a man in my book of values. You are a thief, stealing lives of innocent children and the honor of women; you are a jerk, a scurrilous dog."

The Filipina: Virgin, Mother, Whore?

The "virgin-mother-whore" triangle is traditionally seen as representing the impossible demands men place on women as objects of sexual desire. I'll angle away from this more clinical take on the matter to present my cross-cultural perspective on how women present themselves in the Philippines. If you'd like to read a thoughtful article about the confusion into which modern women wade, I'd recommend the following article:  Virgin, Mother, Whore: The Impossible Triangle of Modern Femininity

My perspectives originate from having lived in outlying areas of Mindanao, Zambales and Biliran. If Manila or its middle class subdivisions differ, I confess that my rampant generalities don't know about them.

In the main, it is my observation that Filipinas represent themselves as virgins and mothers. A few are seen as whores, by other Filipinas.

The Philippines is complicated to those of us from different traditions due to certain contradictions here. On one hand, social values are conservative. But sexual activity, and the surrounding entertainment lasciviousness, is ummmm . . . robust.

If you go to the mall, people dress well. Conservatively. Among women, you don't see too many short skirts or low necklines. The sloppiest dressers are the old white guys with Bermuda shorts, knobby knees, hairy legs, and shoes with brown socks. Filipino guys generally wear pants to the mall, not shorts. And you don't see many lovers in public. Not a lot of hand holding or walking arm in arm, and never sharing a kiss.

It is my guess that women in the Philippines are conservative to avoid being considered sexually active.  If a man and a woman are seen being sweet to each other, there is a quick leap in other people's imaginations from purity to sex. The way for a woman to avoid that characterization is to project "virgin".

This virgin representation has little to do with actual sexual activity. I don't know the statistics, but it seems that high school is a place of some considerable sexual experimentation, and the trial and error method produces a lot of young errors, kids who were not expected nor necessarily wanted.

In public, virgin. In private, not.

Why? The malls and public places may be conservative, but there is also a rude and flamboyant aspect to Philippine culture. You'll hear swear words in songs on daytime radio, see sex in nightly TV tele-dramas and laugh at, or with, flaming gays showing off on entertainment shows. You'll witness relentless teasing among friends, treading between virgin and whore, I suppose. Relationship jokes and sex jokes are popular as text fodder.

Local editions of Cosmopolitan and other magazines aimed at Filipinas are very graphic in describing sexual encounters, offering up advice on"10 ways to make your man horny" and over-the-top tales like grandma walking in on her granddaughter's blow job  (storytelling which I find highly offensive but repeat here so that you understand the depths of depravity into which certain entertainment venues have stunk; see May 2012, page 78), and other ways of promoting the stereotype of a sexually liberated woman.

In the outlying villages, sex outside of marriage is  common. The cover for this: a man/woman relationship often is described as "a marriage" even if it is not legitimized by a judge, mayor or church. Many poor people don't get officially married because they have neither proper documentation nor the required fees. So they just move in and declare the partner to be husband or wife. Nicely simple.

And if it doesn't work out, they move on to another partner. No one sues for divorce because no one has anything to sue FOR. No land, no house, no money. Only kids. And they are often viewed in a utilitarian light. As instruments to earn money. They get shipped every which way, whatever is convenient. No big deal.

"Illegitimate" is a box many check on government forms because they can't produce a parental marriage certificate. Illegitimate. As if they were people who somehow don't count. Never mind that they were kids and had no input into the decision.

Anyway, in outlying villages, women go from virgin to mother easily. There is no whore phase, because they end up pregnant at 15 and move in with their guy. Or, if not 15, they at least project virginity until they do marry or move in.

And boy do Filipinas do "mother" with a passion. Baby-making is done as if it came with the seasons of the year. Rainy season. Dry season. Next baby.

Or annual holidays. Easter, Christmas, and Next Baby.

So without question, Filipinas do "mother" well.

Now about those whores!

Most women behave conservatively in public. No whores there. Village women simply go from school virgin to mama.

Philippine men seem generally protective of their women. They adhere to conservative public values, and don't allow their wives to have guys as friends. Jealousy is a fundamental mood in the Philippines.  Girl children usually consider their fathers "strict". They had better not date without his approval, or act badly.

It is a mystery how so many teen-age girls have strict fathers but end up pregnant. I wonder if there is any connection to the fact that men in the Philippines seem frequently to have a woman on the side. Interestingly, the sidelines woman is a respected mistress and is not considered a whore. So it may be that the popular image is conservative and strict, but there is considerable looseness behind the scenes.

And don't ask me where the Catholic Church is in all this looseness. It is bizarre to me that in such a religious country, the scene borders on being sexually wild. I guess as long as we let the babies be born, we are not supposed to care what kind of social chaos they are born into, or how unhealthy and miserable the kids' lives might be.

The whores, Joe Am. Get to that part, would'ya?

Any Filipina with a white guy can figure that others are starting with the assumption she is a whore and, if it matters, it is up to her to prove that there is substance in her relationship other than buy and sell.

But, interestingly, the whore title  does not seem to attach easily to poor Filipinas who have babies with guys other than the one declared husband. My former housekeeper had seven kids by three or four different guys; only she knows. She was popular in the community. Respected. The village my wife comes from is a confusing association of fathers and mothers that would make the San Francisco hippie free love communes look staid. I suppose money must be in the picture, that old "buy/sell" arrangement, and perhaps a bit of envy, for one Filipina to declare another a "whore".

There is no "buy/sell" in poor communities.  Just flare-ups of affection - natural emotions - and the outcomes. More babies.

So the "whore" or softer "prostitute" or softest "bar girl" tag is hung on women married to foreigners or working in bars that cater to foreigners. Women who, in the eyes of others, sell their bodies for security. I'm not aware of the term "whore" ever being used to describe a Filipina who has only Filipino boyfriends. I don't know if there is a term for "promiscuous" in tagalog or visayan.

So those are my observations on the traditional three labels assigned to women in the Philippines. Lots of virgins and mothers and an occasional whore, in reputation. And lots of sex going on behind a public facade that is concurrently conservative and lascivious.

Are Filipinas liberated? I think not in the sense that many American women are, standing independent and challenging men for prominence in businesses and government. The Cosmopolitan idea of liberated seems to be sexually unrestrained like so many lemmings in heat running off the cliff together in resplendent hair and sexy clothes, throwing rubbers in the air instead of flowers. Perhaps in the big city, there are more opportunities for Filipinas to rise independently.

Catholic values for sure suppress careers and independence. If you are a mother, you are a mother, over and over again.

It is hard to plan a career if you can't plan a family.

As for the conflict in presentation - Biblical values or Cosmopolitan values - that seems to me to be a tad schizoid. But you'd have to ask a Filipina about that.