Joe Am's "Philippine Church of Man"

This publicity release announces the formation of a new church by Joseph August America, famous bombastic blogging banshee of the Visayas.

"This is an alternative to the ritual-packed, superstitious religions people now follow like moths to a candle," said Mr. America in a news conference. "Other churches use that scapegoat Satan, or his brother, the Government, to explain away all the ills of the Philippines. They deny responsibility. Our new Church believes in reason. And we demand to be held to account."

Our Statue: "A Holy Moment"
(with apology to Rodin for new name)

When asked if the reliance on reason was not atheism, Mr. America said "no way, Bubba!". He explained that the God of his Church was in favor of thinking, and, indeed, believed thinking people were more steeped in faith than those who emptied their brains into believing that 71 virgins were granted to martyrs, or saying three "Hail Mary's" would be like pressing the delete button on sin.

"That famous American Thomas Jefferson was a deist," Mr. America added. "His belief in God was strengthened by reason. And he saw the danger of allowing faith to intrude on government affairs because politicized faith is like a whistle made mostly of wind. That's why the U.S. Constitution, which he largely penned, contains no references to God. And why our Church thinks all this politicizing and murdering for the God of our choice is a big bunch of holy hooey."

Mr. America clarified that it was not Mr. Jefferson who said "faith was a whistle made mostly of wind", but he, himself. Nor did Mr. Jefferson at any time in his life say "holy hooey". Mr. America will be clear on this when he finishes the write-up he is doing for insertion into wikipedia. His main point is that churches that DEMAND faith according to rigid doctrine have it backward.

"In our Church, we explain that GOD HAS FAITH IN MAN."

"Think about that, sports fans, because it is important," said Mr. America.

Mr. America announced that his new church would be called  "The Philippine Church of Man", a snazzy brand name no other religious institution has trade marked or registered because they are stuck with their old Dark Age brands. "Selling God is like selling laundry detergent, or Philippine tourism," Mr. America stated. " You gotta have sizzle and you gotta have steak. And you have to be up to date. And you gotta grab your audience by the chingaderos!"

Someone in the back of the room hollered "well, you don't gotta have good grammar, that's for sure", but Mr. America went on as if he hadn’t heard.

"We will be internet based," he explained. "You can worship anywhere, any time. 'A direct WiFi to God', we will say in our slogan.  Bluetooth or DSL cable, land line or cell phone modem, Facebook, tweet or google will put you in touch with the Lord. We are a portal to salvation, cloud-based for sure. The heavens never looked so good as in binary code."

A reporter from ABS-CBN asked "do you believe in Jesus?"

Our God Does Not Require Big Buildings

"Say hallelujiah!" screamed Mr. America. "We believe in Jesus, Mohammed, Joseph Smith and Bubba Buddah. We are an equal opportunity religion. We believe in Madonna and Jessica Sanchez, the Pope and the Holy Grail. But we don't LISTEN to what any humans from organized religions say about their God because they don't even know how to discern story from truth. They could be shoveling coal our direction, or telling the truth.  How would we know? THEY don't know."

"So rather than confuse ourselves with the 534 different religious interpretations circulating on our planet, each one claiming to be the one TRUE religion, with the one TRUE God, we figure things out for ourselves."

"Here's an example. We are Pro RH Bill. We believe education about sex and parental responsibility is a good thing, not a sin. We also believe our children and those who are living now deserve more consideration than a school of tiny sperm swimming upriver in a woman's pipes looking for the glory land. And we think poverty really, really sucks."

"I repeat, because it is worth repeating: The Church of Man believes GOD HAS FAITH IN MAN! God has ordained man to think and take good care of himself and his community. The saying 'God Bless the Philippines' is backward. We bless God through our acts. Also, 'In God we trust' is backward. God trusts US, to do right."

"We like our God because He has so much confidence in us. No way would we fail Him or cheat on Him by confessing sins then doubling back to the bar on the way home. No, our God expects us to rise, not fall, and that is what we aspire to do."

"Our Church has a lot of work to do in the Philippines, so kindly step out of the way so we can get back to our keyboards."

Mr. America kept shouting over his shoulder as he left the stage.

"God trusts in us."

"The Philippines can do that by undertaking intelligent and caring deeds and being responsible for what happens. Neither a beggar nor a whiner be."

"May the Philippines bless God with good acts."

"Say hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"

He left the room.