Mormon Extremists

One of the top U.S. presidential candidates, Mitt Romney, is a Mormon. Mormonism is considered by some students of religion to be one of the four  Abrahamic faiths, along with Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Like Islam, Mormons view the Old and New Testaments as sacred texts, but not the final divine word. Mormon Prophet Joseph Smith, like Islam's Prophet Muhammad, is considered to be the "authoritative vessel of God's word".  (Richard Land, Southern Baptist Convention).

The behind the scenes election debate is whether or not Mormonism is a Christian religion. It is behind the scenes because differences in faiths are hard to explain to kids and hard to discuss with rigid religious adults.

Now I don't know if you have ever had the opportunity to travel through Utah, one of the western states in the U.S. If you have, you understand the beauty of the state, from its snow-capped mountains to its rugged rocky canyons and pristine lakes. And it is clean because Mormons dominate the population. In the 1800's, Joe Smith led about 10,000 people to Utah. They travelled on horses and in covered wagons. They settled in the promised land and have been procreating and proselytizing there ever since. I'm surprised they did not re-name the state New Israel . . . or Joe.

If I were a Mormon, and I'm glad I'm not, because they are very hard-nosed about tithing 15% of your income to the Church . . . but if I were, and I saw the abuse being tossed at poor Mitt Romney, I would declare an empanada against the heathen faiths and launch a fat war.

Ahahahahahahaha . . . Oh, my  . . . wheee, oo o o!

Fat war, get it? Fatwah?

But back to the point. Utah should go independent because the laws of Mormon are incompatible with the laws of the United States. I mean, already, the oppressive American infidels have outlawed bigamy, which the Prophet Joe had no problem with. It's like outlawing the 71 virgins, or is it 72, I lost count, of the Muslim faith. Or making Muslim women wear cowboy hats instead of sheets.

Sacrilege.

I mean, Mormons could acquire both Utah and Nevada so that they would have their own physical representations of Hell and Heaven on earth. Adjacent Nevada, with its sin city Las Vegas, would represent Hell. Utah, with its famous Tabernacle Choir is full throaty blaze, would be Heaven.

Seceding would be fine with Nevada, I am confident. It would rid them of that bastard taxing agency the IRS and they could employ lustier, more well-oiled strippers without worrying about obscenity charges.

Unfortunately, Mormons are too well educated and too well off to brainwash teenagers into performing self-demolition bombings. Besides, it would reduce the missionary work force. They would have to use other means of warfare.

I'm thinking they could cut off water supplies to California.  That is like cutting off oil.

Or they could kidnap any Americans or other foreigners risking a drive across Interstate 70 and hold them for ransom, just like the real Muslims on Mindanao do. Their faith would prevent them from beheading the prisoners if they didn't get the money, but they could soak them in the Great Salt Lake until they turned into pickles. There is more salt in that lake than in goose liver.

The problem for me is that, contrary to those untrustworthy, wild-eyed Arab Muslims, I have never met a Mormon I didn't like. For one thing, they work hard, are honest and live clean. They don't even drink coffee, so they are certainly more pure than JoeAm, whose eyes flutter because of the excessive caffeine, not to mention the dancing his heart does.

If they asked me if they could do bigamy, I'd say "sure, no problem". A few years ago, I would have considered converting. But today, I am a one-woman man. . . and it has nothing to do with the fact she occasionally looks over my shoulder as I type.

But I digress.

For sure, if Mitt Romney does not get the nomination, it means America is not right for Mormons.

It will be time to find a spiritual war-monger to lead the flock to revolution, and secession. Just like the real Muslims in Mindanao are doing. Maybe they could recruit and convert Ron Paul, who looks enough like a wizened wise old fart, and given his attitude about no war and legalized drugs most certainly would be for bigamy and free love.  Mormons don't do turbans, but straight black ties are popular, and I'm confident Paul has a few of those in his wardrobe. Or Newt Gingrich is not a bad choice, either, as he has already flitted from woman to woman like a bumblebee in a rose garden . . . and he has never found a viewpoint he could not argue glibly.

Yes, yes. There is real promise here.

Praise the Joe!*

• Small Print. (For the unpracticed literary mind, that "Joe" can be read three ways: (1) As coffee, often called "Joe" as in "I'm gonna grab a cuppa Joe!",  (2) As Joe Smith, Mormon Prophet extraordinaire, and (2) As Joe America, the blogger you wake up to each morning, exclaiming as you sign on and click to the Society of Honor,  "I'm gonna grab a crapper Joe!")