Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Psst, Don't Tell Americans about the Philippines

Keep your country secret. That is my advice.

Americans are brusque, opinionated blowhards. Especially the aging baby boomers who are looking for places to retire. They don't know a whole lot about the Philippines. If they knew, they might come here. They would likely gripe about some aspects of the culture , as it is so different from what they are used to. You don't have to put up with that. Simply don't tell them how cool it is here. Tell them about the horrors of cramming into a Jeepney full of chickens, but don't tell them of a romantic ride with their sweetie on a tricycle to the beach, of scenery so gorgeous a photograph can't do it justice, of the tax breaks they can get by leaving state income behind, and the social security income they can acquire by being old and having American- citizen kids in the Philippines. Don't tell them that they can build a palace for $100,000, and have a housekeeper and a gardener and a cook and a bodyguard and a driver, all for less than $400 a month.

Don't tell them that most people speak English. Tell them Filipinos have hated American guts since that racist McKinley pounded our butts back into order, but don't tell them America built schools and sent us a zillion teachers to give us one of the highest literacy rates on the underdeveloped part of the planet.

Tell them that this place really sucks. That's why so many Filipinos go elsewhere in the world to work. Filipino drivers are rude and the store clerks snarl as they take the money. Rebels are behind every bush looking for a way to extort some money. The seas are fished to deserts and the mountains are washing into the ocean because someone yanked all the trees out. Tell them that they might fall into an open pit mine that the Koreans forgot to return to its natural state. Wild banshee fundamentalist Muslims and Catholics stand at every corner harassing those who want their daughters educated or a condom in their wallet. And for sure warn them about Mindanao, where heads roll like so many dice in the craps pit. Let them know that most drivers are unlicensed, uninsured and drunk. They taught themselves the art of the wheel at 12 and have never read about the rules of considerate behavior.

Warn them to duck behind a bush or building every time a bus passes to avoid being hit by a bag of trash being conveniently disposed of through the window.

Don't tell them the cultural convenience of pissing on the nearest wall. Tell them not to drink the water.

Don't tell the old unmarried dudes about the beautiful Filipinas who don't mind hanging out with an ancient white guy if it gets them out of the rut that is their day-to-day empty life. A night on the town, a weekend in Borocay, a lifetime . . . those are the options for both parties. Sex is only sinful to the priests who aren't getting any. They aren't exactly good judges of the other side. They've never been there. Well, most haven't.

I think "most" is the operative adjective.

But that is beside the point.

Don't tell them this place is an adventure that enriches the spirit.

Tell them it is filled with Ego-bound maniacs who won't give them the time of day. Actually, they don't even know the time of day, which is why they arrive late for everything, or simply don't show up. Or pop in when they weren't even expected. Tell them there are more dogs than people and they are all rabid. The dogs, I'm talking about. Not the people.

Don't tell them the people are fun and funny. Tell them they are stubborn like cement and have skins so thin you can see their bones if they walk against the sunlight.

Tell them "You don't know what you are getting into", which is true, for sure.

Tell them to "stay home", or" take your money and complaints to Viet Nam. We don't need no mo' stinkin' Americans around here giving our economy a boost, hiring locals, and being weird and productive in the western ways."

Tell them "we like sitting drunk under the mango tree watching the buses fly by. We are fine with that goal for our lives. We are proud of our achievements."

Keep the Philippines secret, isolated. You know. Native. Raw. Provincial. Stone age, even. Knowledge and courtesy are too much to deal with.

Multi-culturalism is offensive. Outside money is tainted with foreign cooties. Tell them "We like it pure, we like it simple. We don't aspire to be like you because we know money can't buy happiness."


  1. Less on Positives and more on Negatives, eh? Not that I see any problem with that.

  2. ha ha ha!!!! This is true!!!! PLEASE READ THIS!!!!!

  3. America did not introduce education nor the schoolhouse to the Philippines, that is complete rubbish. What the US did was merely incorporate the Thomasites into the existing Philippine school system (by force of course). Anyway, I think the point is that we should not sell the Philippines short and cheap to foreign nations. What we must and should know are the motives of the U.S. for taking over the Philippines in the the first place. Hell NO it's not for modernization's sake nor for God's sake! It was a strategic location to invade China, apart from the "conveniences" that the Philippines had reluctantly shared with the U.S.. I do acknowledge that it's difficult to undo all the systematic damage that's been done in the past since Mackinley's time which has extended through out the decades that followed that guaranteed multiple and huge American-owned corporations, cheap labor and uneducated masses. I can just imagine Aguinaldo's anger and anguish when the U.S. forcibly abolished the first Philippine government. He saw this gross exploitation coming right to his face. And what were the Filipino people's chances against the highly trained and brainwashed 125,000 US soldiers sent by Mackinley to contain the rebellion against American annexation (aka WAR!!!)? That aside, the U.S during Mckinley's time had initiated and promulgated racial propaganda against the PHilippines. Filipinos were portrayed as animals and barbarians. I don't think there is any more damage anybody can do against the PHilippines to beat that nor it is right to affirm those hateful propaganda as a means to preserve the Philippines. In the first place, if you really know your history, again, just to emphasize, America had tainted the Philippines as a primitive, barbaric, racially and culturally inferior and uneducated nation as justification to push through with the ill-principle of "Manifest Destiny". This principle and the propaganda were both flawed superfluous and malicious of course. The thing is, to maintain this propaganda in the minds of the Americans won't help the Philippines better its position in this globalizing world nor will it preserve the Philippines as it is now. You have quite an imagination my friend, but imaginations won't do us any good if we're up against corporate giants doing business with the Philippines with free trade agreements on its back for support. And on the subject of multiculturalism, do you honestly think that your suggestions on how Filipinos should describe the Philippines to foreigners would effectively keep them off the country? You are promoting self-hate and bigotry. You are giving them more reason to exploit the Philippines if you'd have them think that Filipinos are helplessly lazy and ignorant. Thank goodness for the internet, this kind of bigotry you intend to promote won't last longer than you've hoped for. People are more intelligent and less ignorant of their foreign neighbors these days. I don't think there's any good reason to reverse that.

  4. Jancen,

    "do you honestly think that your suggestions on how Filipinos should describe the Philippines to foreigners would effectively keep them off the country? You are promoting self-hate and bigotry."

    Methinks you don't have much sense of humor. As for the Philippine American war, see my article in the right column called "Fire When Ready Gridley". Finally, I would note that you certainly play the victim card well. Are Filipinos in any way responsible for their history?

  5. @Jancen, it's always going to be the "white" man's hoo hoo. The people from the African continent and virtually every shit hole in the world thinks that way anyways, so you might as well follow suit right? Corporate giants doing business in the Philippines? Ah you mean MERALCO Globe/Smart, Ayala, SM holdings etc...That's great.So the people are now "less ignorant" of their foreign neighbors? does that mean Filipinos now realize how pathetic they look against their ASEAN neighbors? Good job :-)

  6. @Joe, it's your fault I spilled my coffe LMAO, heck of a satire!

  7. @Jancen, you delight in eating plenty of raw onions, enjoy your Priderice in the corner.

  8. @Jancen you are full of shit. You are the type to blame the white man but lets see who you will be crying for when china takes the philippine sea. who will be there to defend your country(and sea) with our soldiers lives. And why would the U.S want to invade china back in 1899. my opinion get a sense of humor fast

  9. Lol we can't keep it a secret for long! even Hillary Clinton wants to retire in the Philippines (joke) only.


Please take up comments at the new blog site at

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.