The Letter "L" by Ambrose Bierce

Excerpts from "The Devil's Dictionary"

By Ambrose Bierce

Selections from the Letter "L"

LANGUAGE, n.  The music with which we charm the serpents guarding
another's treasure.

LAP, n.  One of the most important organs of the female system--an
admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly
useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and
heads of adult males.  The male of our species has a rudimentary lap,
imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's
substantial welfare.

LAUGHTER, n.  An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the
features and accompanied by inarticulate noises.  It is infectious
and, though intermittent, incurable.  Liability to attacks of laughter
is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals--
these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example,
but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in
bestowal of the disease.  Whether laughter could be imparted to
animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has
not been answered by experimentation.  Dr. Meir Witchell holds that
the infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneous
fermentation of sputa diffused in a spray.  From this peculiarity he
names the disorder Convulsio spargens.

LAW, n.

  Once Law was sitting on the bench,
      And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
  "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
      Nor come before me creeping.
  Upon your knees if you appear,
  'Tis plain your have no standing here."

  Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
      "Your status?--devil seize you!"
  "Amica curiae," she replied--
      "Friend of the court, so please you."
  "Begone!" he shouted--"there's the door--
  I never saw your face before!"

G.J.

LAWYER, n.  One skilled in circumvention of the law.

LAZINESS, n.  Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

LEARNING, n.  The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

LECTURER, n.  One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear
and his faith in your patience.

LIAR, n.  A lawyer with a roving commission.

LIBERTY, n.  One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

  The rising People, hot and out of breath,
  Roared around the palace:  "Liberty or death!"
  "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign;
  You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain."

Martha Braymance

LIFE, n.  A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.  We live
in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed;
particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written
at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of
the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of
successful controversy.

  "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth,"
  Carelessly caroled the golden youth.
  In manhood still he maintained that view
  And held it more strongly the older he grew.
  When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three,
  "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he.

Han Soper


LIMB, n.  The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.

  'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought,
      And the salesman laced them tight
      To a very remarkable height--
  Higher, indeed, than I think he ought--
      Higher than can be right.
  For the Bible declares--but never mind:
      It is hardly fit
  To censure freely and fault to find
  With others for sins that I'm not inclined
      Myself to commit.
  Each has his weakness, and though my own
      Is freedom from every sin,
      It still were unfair to pitch in,
  Discharging the first censorious stone.
  Besides, the truth compels me to say,
  The boots in question were _made_ that way.
  As he drew the lace she made a grimace,
      And blushingly said to him:
  "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure,
  It hurts my--hurts my--limb."
  The salesman smiled in a manner mild,
  Like an artless, undesigning child;
  Then, checking himself, to his face he gave
  A look as sorrowful as the grave,
      Though he didn't care two figs
  For her paints and throes,
  As he stroked her toes,
  Remarking with speech and manner just
  Befitting his calling:  "Madam, I trust
      That it doesn't hurt your twigs."

B. Percival Dike


LINEN, n.  "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp,
entails a great waste of hemp."--Calcraft the Hangman.

LITIGATION, n.  A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of
as a sausage.

LOGIC, n.  The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.  The
basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor
premise and a conclusion--thus:

- Major Premise:  Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
quickly as one man.

- Minor Premise:  One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
therefore--

- Conclusion:  Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.

This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by
combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are
twice blessed.

LONGEVITY, n.  Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

LORD, n.  In American society, an English tourist above the state of a
costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth.  The
traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry
Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath.  The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also,
as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather
flattery than true reverence.

LOVE, n.  A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of
the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
This disease, like  caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only
among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous
nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from
its ravages.  It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the
physician than to the patient.

LUMINARY, n.  One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not
writing about it.

LYRE, n.  An ancient instrument of torture.  The word is now used in a
figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following
fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:

  I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre,
  And pick with care the disobedient wire.
  That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook
  With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look.
  I bide my time, and it shall come at length,
  When, with a Titan's energy and strength,
  I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O,
  The word shall suffer when I let them go!

Farquharson Harris

  

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